Starting this conversation is hard, and most parents worry about saying the wrong thing. This guide goes through it in eight stages, from spotting the early signs to knowing what to do once your child asks for help. You do not have to do all of it at once.
Stage 1: understanding the signs
Children are always changing and can have both good and bad days. But when do these bad days become a mental health concern?
As a parent, paying attention to your child and taking steps to better their mental health can be daunting, but it will allow you to build a stronger relationship with your child while ensuring they are doing well mentally.
Mental health conditions present differently in children than in adults. Stay informed of conditions and symptoms so you can understand if your child is displaying worrying signs, and intervene as early as possible to support them.
De-stigmatising mental health early on
Young people may keep their feelings pent up for fear of rejection, judgement, or a lack of understanding from their parents. Having conversations early can help your child with their emotions, and helps strengthen a healthy bond.
Speaking to a GP or healthcare professional
If you are worried about your child, discussing them with a GP can help. You gain a better understanding of whether the symptoms are part of a condition, and what next steps you can take to help.
Stage 2: how to prepare for the conversation
Do not diminish their experiences or feelings. You may feel like you can quickly solve your child’s problems, or that their concerns are not big. To fully be there, we have to understand that even though they may not be big to you, they are to them, and they have different ways of dealing with them. It is important to validate their experiences.
Understand your child’s limits. Do not overload them when conversing, or pry for information they may not yet be prepared to share. They have limits, just like you, and it may take some time for them to begin sharing those parts with you.
Leave expectations and judgements at the door. One’s mental health can sometimes be the most private thing about them. You may expect your child to share their thoughts and struggles with you as soon as you ask. It is important to remember that they may only share when they are ready, or may share parts at a time. They may also reject your offer the first few times if they are not ready. Remember not to be disheartened, and try again. They will at least feel like someone cares.
Introducing faith as a source of hope
Many young people may hear that they are not a good enough Muslim, and that this is why they are dealing with mental health concerns. It is important to use Islam as a healing method by sharing ayahs from the Quran or hadith which your child can relate to and use as a source of hope.
Be optimistic. Even if the conversation is unexpected, be optimistic if your child is willing to share anything. If not, be confident that next time they may say yes. It is important to keep trying and remain a positive source for your child.
Understanding what young people face now
With social media, children are experiencing difficulties we may not have faced until much later in life. Children may be facing different types of addiction, body image issues, or exposure to violent media. When asking them to open up, it is important to understand what your child may be exposed to, and not to shame them or instil fear.
Stage 3: the conversation itself
Remove shame from the conversation. This is important for your child to feel fully comfortable opening up to you. Try opening up about your own experiences so they understand it can happen to anyone.
Use terminology they will understand. Your child must fully understand what is happening, even when having big and important conversations. Use language they are comfortable with rather than medical terminology. Be prepared to use descriptive language when your child does not fully understand an emotion.
Be a source of hope. You may be scared by what your child shares with you, and you may want to shield or protect them. While this is an important instinct, you should also not show fear or negativity about what your child shares. This may worry them further, or cause them to hide their emotions for fear of burdening you. Provide hope, and use this as an opportunity to learn and grow together.
Phrases you can use
You seem a bit down lately. What’s going on?
I know you may not want to speak, but know I am there whenever you’re ready.
I noticed you’ve been in your room a lot lately. Is there something you want to talk about?
There’s no issue you’re facing that’s too small to discuss.
Stage 4: if they are not ready to talk
Be an open door. Just because your child does not want to talk the first time does not mean they will not need your support later. Let your child know you are available for them. Having regular conversations can be a way for them to open up about their feelings. Open the door to a conversation, and then let them come to you.
Use other methods. If your child is not ready to speak with you, provide them with other sources they can use. There are many stories from the Prophets that can give hope if your child is going through a tough time. There are also many resources online your child can use, such as the Muslim Youth Helpline.
Introduce them to healthy coping mechanisms. Your child may express emotions negatively without the proper outlets, such as withdrawal or tantrums. Give them outlets they can use, such as exercise, art, or relaxation techniques to help manage their feelings.
Reassure them. Let your child know that even though their feelings may feel bad, it will not last forever. Let them know you are there for them whenever they are ready. It may be that they just need your company from time to time. Go at their pace, and let them know they will always have a support system.
Help your child understand different emotions. Your child may not fully understand their feelings, so asking them to share these confusing feelings may not sound appealing to them. Using descriptive language, asking them to draw how they feel, or sharing scenarios and exploring their reactions can help you gain a better understanding of what your child is experiencing.
Stage 5: your child has asked for help, what next
Six key active listening skills: pay attention, using verbal cues. Reflect, by paraphrasing and questioning. Withdraw judgement, by not giving opinions and showing empathy. Clarify, by exploring, understanding and listening. Summarise, shifting to actions rather than offering solutions. And build rapport.
Decide some of the best next steps together. By doing this together, you show your child that they are not alone, and that you value their input and decision making. It is easy to want to go into protection mode and try to solve the situation alone, but it is essential to give your child the space, resources and confidence to decide on the next steps.
Let them know they are not alone. In some instances, before your child has approached you about how they feel, they have harboured these feelings alone, so the simplest gesture of telling them they are not alone can be the most transformative.
Use faith to support them. Our faith guides us to live a better and brighter life and gives us a guidebook on overcoming situations. Faith can take us out of despair and teach us that every cloud passes.
Do not assume a particular behaviour is due to something. Let your child explain why they feel the way they feel, rather than using the opportunity to assume.
Be optimistic about their future. Your child may feel discouraged, so use this opportunity to paint a positive picture. Let them know that with the right support things are going to get better.
Stage 6: keep the conversation going
Now that you have started the conversation, do not end it. Keep up the momentum through check ins, conversations, and sharing your own thoughts and feelings.
Resources and next steps
CAMHS is an NHS support service helping young people get specialist support. Your GP usually makes the referral.
GP support can be the first step to getting the right help. They can direct you to the right support once they have identified the symptoms experienced.
Accept that you may not be the right person to talk to, but you can connect them with a family member, friend or mentor.
Faith sensitive support, such as imams, helplines and therapists, provides a more holistic approach. It can be found at your local mosque or community group.
Schools and universities may have support available within your child’s educational institution. The familiarity can be encouraging and less frightening for your child.
Stage 7: support for parents
Help and support are out there, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Take on board the similar words of confidence you gave your child. Your child has asked for help, and you are both on the right path to get it.
Many national helplines and local support groups are available, so you do not have to feel alone. Support is for parents too.
Talk to other parents. Sometimes it is easier to talk about how you feel and what is going on without breaking your child’s trust.
Organisations that support parents include YoungMinds, Mind, Place2Be and the NHS.
Stage 8: the do’s and don’ts
Do
- Give them space and be present
- Share your own feelings
- Validate their feelings through positive words
- Use words of acceptance
Do not
- Assume why they are feeling the way they are
- Force them to admit something
- Expect them to have the tools to discuss their mental health
- Use words that label others
- Minimise what they are going through
If you are worried about your child and would rather talk it through with someone first, you can call us. The Muslim Youth Helpline is free and confidential, open every day from 4pm to 10pm on 0808 808 2008. You can also chat with us online or email us.